An imaginary American culinary emergency service has placed three remaining unspiced foods in protective custody after pumpkin spice established a position inside the cheese aisle.
The fictional operation follows years in which the flavour moved from drinks into biscuits, breakfast products and things previously believed to have a stable understanding of themselves. Cheese had been considered a natural boundary. Investigators now admit this assessment was complacent.
A protected plain cracker has been relocated to an undisclosed pantry. An egg is travelling under an assumed name. The third food cannot be identified without compromising an ongoing supermarket promotion.
An invented seasonal marketing executive defended the expansion, explaining that autumn is not merely a time of year but an opportunity to make customers purchase familiar items as though they have only just been invented.
Focus-group participants initially questioned whether cheese needed cinnamon. After seeing the limited-edition packaging, several worried that not buying it might mean missing the season. One purchased two, despite remaining uncertain about wanting the first.
The emergency service advises shoppers to remain calm and read labels. Any food describing itself as cosy, festive or a hug should be approached with caution. Plain water is currently secure, although a communications team has been seen standing nearby with an orange mood board.
