Technology / SATIREGovernment Consults 137 AI Companies, Then Asks Nature to Submit Feedback Through the Portal
Environmental concerns remain welcome, provided they arrive in a format that does not delay construction.
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141 STORIESTechnology / SATIRE
Britain / SATIREOxford Street Bans Traffic After Cars Fail to Buy Anything
Retailers welcome the removal of vehicles that had spent decades occupying valuable space without once purchasing a scented candle.
Money / SATIRESupermarket Shopper Discovers Only Thing Not Going Up Is What Fits in £30
The weekly shop is now a small tasting menu of the things the family used to eat.
Britain / SATIREAldi and Lidl Officially Big Enough to Be Blamed for Everything
The discounters have reached the British corporate milestone of no longer being plucky.
Technology / SATIREDelivery Robot Reaches British Pavement, Requests Working from Home
Advanced navigation system defeated by one wheelie bin and a man saying “after you”.
Life / SATIREMan Buys £100 Trainers to Save £4 on Food, Declares Cost-of-Living Crisis Beaten
Clubcard arithmetic offers a way out, provided he keeps finding things he wasn’t going to buy.
Money / SATIREBig Four Partner Explains £870,000 Is Less Than It Sounds Once You Factor in Other Partners
A difficult year has left the fictional executive barely able to keep up with people having an equally difficult year.
Technology / SATIREGraduate Reassured AI Will Never Replace Person Held Responsible for AI
The machine can do the work in seconds. Someone still needs to apologise for it at 8.30.
Britain / SATIREGovernment Hires Big Four to Find Out Why It Keeps Hiring Big Four
The review will establish whether Britain can afford a second phase of the review.
Britain / SATIRELand Registry Paywall Could Remain Until Britain Finds Out Who Owns the Paywall
Plans to make land ownership records free have met resistance from people who own land, records and possibly the process itself.
Money / SATIREGovernment Announces £21 Annual Food Saving, Advises Families to Invest It in a Second Gherkin
The package is expected to help households, assuming they can find the savings before the next shop.
Britain / SATIREBritain and EU Seek Compromise That Lets Everyone Call It a Victory
Negotiators are working on a deal whose most important feature is that neither side has to admit it wanted one.
Money / SATIRETech Giants Promise AI Will Pay for Itself After Spending the GDP of a Small Planet
Investors were reassured that the technology will eventually make money, possibly before the next electricity bill arrives.
Life / SATIREAmerica Adds Pumpkin Spice to Cheese, Leaving Just Three Foods Under Police Protection
Seasonal flavouring denies pursuing the remaining foods but refuses to rule anything out.
Travel / SATIRECrocodile Head Found in Airport Luggage Raises Questions About What Was Left at the Hotel
Imaginary traveller’s claim to have packed light requires substantial qualification.
Society / SATIREPolice Rescue 377 Animals From Car, Still Unable to Explain Why Anyone Needs 77 Parrots to Malta
Fictional defence of ‘just packing the essentials’ fails preliminary scrutiny.
Technology / SATIRETourists Visit China to Meet Robots Before Returning Home to Train Their Replacements
Holiday offers exciting preview of next year’s restructuring announcement.
Travel / SATIREJapan Named World’s Best Tourism Destination; World Immediately Threatens It With Tourism
Visitors book flights to discover what the crowds are doing there.
Culture / SATIRERock Legend Plays to 150 Bears, Enjoys First Audience in Years Not Filming the Entire Concert
Fictional music industry panel alarmed by crowd’s insistence on experiencing the event.
Travel / SATIREDriverless Taxi Removes Last Person You Could Complain to About the Driverless Taxi
Passenger invited to direct concerns towards the increasingly meaningful empty seat.
Culture / SATIRERobot Appears at Fashion Week, Finally Giving Industry a Model Who Can Be Paid in Exposure and Electricity
Machine immediately understands collection, declines to explain it.
Technology / SATIREHumanity Spends Decades Developing Artificial Intelligence; Robots Perform the Macarena
The future arrives and immediately behaves like an uncle at a wedding.
Technology / SATIRE$89,000 Robot Trains to Become Babysitter, Bringing Affordable Childcare Within Reach of Other Robots
Prototype can sing, wave and absorb the approximate cost of a university education.
Life / SATIRECocktail Advent Calendar Lets Britain Begin Christmas With a Small Daily Drinking Obligation
Festive discipline finally meets a target the nation feels equipped to deliver.
Culture / SATIREBritain Builds David Attenborough Out of 11,000 Pumpkins, Briefly Giving Agriculture a Clear Objective
For once, everyone involved knows exactly what the orange bits are for.
Life / SATIRESupermarket Offers Pre-Carved Pumpkins to Families Too Exhausted to Stab a Vegetable
Parents welcome opportunity to outsource the magical memory before bedtime.
Culture / SATIRELondon Festival Cancelled After People Make Classic Mistake of Attending It
Organisers seek a sustainable balance between popularity and the presence of visitors.
Life / SATIREExtinct Animal Found Under London Bed Had Apparently Been Waiting for House Prices to Fall
Tasmanian tiger outlasts an entire species but cannot secure a sensible deposit.
Technology / SATIRECouncil Invites Small Businesses to Discover How AI Can Ignore Their Emails More Efficiently
The future of enterprise arrives in a function room with one working socket.
Britain / SATIREClimate Change Finally Threatens Something Britain Takes Seriously: Conkers
Emergency committee asks whether the country has considered putting the planet in the airing cupboard.
Britain / SATIREBritish High Street Now Offers Everything You Need to Get a Haircut While Waiting for Your Other Haircut
Council celebrates a thriving ecosystem of fades, fries and flavoured vapour.
Money / SATIRESchool Uniform Suppliers Reassure Parents That Three Compulsory Items Can Still Cost a Fortune
The embroidered logo remains the most academically demanding part of the blazer.
Britain / SATIREBritain Successfully Digitises Parking, Turning a £2 Errand Into a Software Installation
Motorist completes registration just in time to pay for the next hour.
Society / SATIREBeavers Restore River Before Consultancy Finishes Naming the Programme
The project has already delivered water retention, although nobody can identify its brand consultant.
Culture / SATIREScientists Locate Exact Night Behind Famous Painting, Critics Demand to Know Whether Artist Had Permission
A breakthrough confirms the sky had been providing reference material without an exhibition statement.
Society / SATIRESheep Rerouted Around Housing Protest, Discover They Also Cannot Afford Central Madrid
The flock had hoped ancient grazing rights might count towards a deposit.
Money / SATIRESheep Hired to Eat Poison Ivy Invoice Client for Sustainable Landscape Transformation
The lawn has been reduced, the jargon expanded and the contractor remains interested in the hedge.
Life / SATIRERing Found After 28 Years Forces Husband to Withdraw Long-Standing Claim It Was Definitely in the Car
The lake has produced evidence at an inconvenient stage of the argument.
Life / SATIRECat Caught Stealing Dog’s Dinner Describes Incident as Neighbourhood Rebalancing
The dog has been thanked for his contribution to the cat’s understanding of ownership.
Travel / SATIREHighway Covered in Cheese Balls Finally Offers Something Worth Queuing For
Motorists reject official advice to use an alternative route until the seasoning has been assessed.
Culture / SATIREWorld’s Longest Chilli Sent Back by Diner Who Asked for Something Mild
The kitchen explains that its warning referred to length rather than an emotional experience.
Life / SATIREConstruction Kitten Promoted After Demonstrating Perfect Understanding of Site Supervision
The newest employee watches everybody else work, then disappears when something needs signing.
Money / SATIREWallet Found After 51 Years Still Contains Enough Cash for Almost Half a Coffee
The owner welcomes the return of an amount once capable of making plans.
Travel / SATIREMotorised Sofa Finally Allows Man to Be Stuck in Traffic Comfortably
A breakthrough for drivers who always felt commuting lacked the posture of giving up.
Britain / SATIREGiant Inflatable Pumpkin Escapes, Becomes First Halloween Decoration to Leave Before Christmas
Residents praise a seasonal ornament with a clearer exit strategy than the neighbours’ skeleton.
Society / SATIRESuperhero Gathering Fails World Record After Nobody Takes Responsibility for Counting
Every participant assumed that part would be handled by a different person with exceptional powers.
Life / SATIREParis Offers Non-Weddings, British Guests Still Expected to Buy Something From the List
Couple vow to continue not marrying in a ceremony costing substantially more than doing so privately.
Travel / SATIREShark Returned to Sea for Third Time After Insisting Canal Had Better Amenities
The relocation brochure had failed to mention the complete absence of interested spectators.
Society / SATIRETiny Solar-Powered Slug Wins Public Vote Without Offering a Single Unfunded Tax Cut
Rivals question whether quietly eating algae is sufficiently ambitious for modern leadership.
Life / SATIREMarmot Wins Award for Eating and Sleeping, Humans Demand to Know Where to Apply
A lifetime of apparently transferable skills has finally found a recognised qualification.
Money / SATIREFloating Island Moves 30km, Estate Agent Calls It an Improving Transport Link
The location is excellent, although buyers are advised to check again before exchanging contracts.
Britain / SATIRECow Evades Police After Refusing to Accept Fence Was a Binding Agreement
The suspect maintains that the grass formed a continuous landscape and the paperwork came later.
Life / SATIREHalf-Marathon Becomes Triathlon After Organisers Discover Water
Entrants question whether the premium registration package included the option to remain on land.
Life / SATIREUgliest Dog Wins Prize, Owner Finally Has Official Defence of Dating-App Photo
Judges celebrate a face that has never once needed to explain it is more attractive in person.
Culture / SATIREWaxworks Moved Again After Failing to Clarify Their Relationship With the Institution
The figures maintain a dignified silence, widely regarded as their strongest media performance.
Technology / SATIRERobot Breaks Sprint Record, Disqualified From Office Sports Day for Having No Excuse
Colleagues demand proof it stayed up late and has a slightly troublesome knee.
Society / SATIREZoo Weighs 10,000 Animals Without Once Calling It a Wellness Journey
A penguin is informed of its mass and allowed to continue being a penguin.
Money / SATIREJapan Moves Entire Castle by Hand; British Buyer Still Waiting for Conveyancer to Open Email
The building has changed location more quickly than the proposed completion date.
Life / SATIREGuard Dog Brings Intruder a Toy, Cites Commitment to De-escalation
An independent review finds the property completely unprotected but exceptionally welcoming.
Society / SATIREChihuahua Joins National Guard, Requests Rank Commensurate With Existing Opinion of Himself
The recruit has already identified a vacuum cleaner as a threat to national stability.
Travel / SATIREMan on Skateboard Reaches 94mph, Still Cannot Overtake Rail Replacement Bus Administration
The vehicle has four wheels, no engine and a refreshingly short explanation of why it is late.
Britain / SATIREBritain Faces Pumpkin Shortage, Urged to Carve Terrifying Faces Into Existing Problems
Households reassured that the country still has ample material capable of frightening a neighbour.
Culture / SATIREBear Visits Library, Immediately Outperforms Everyone Who Said They Were Getting Back Into Reading
Staff welcome a visitor who found the building without first asking whether the book was available as a podcast.
Society / SATIREBillionaires Assure Endangered Species They Are Much Safer Near a Billionaire
A fictional private sanctuary explains that conservation works best when the donor can point at it from the breakfast terrace.
Technology / SATIREAI Industry Faces Unreasonable Demand to Explain Where the Money Is
A routine request for a paying customer is referred to the department responsible for explaining why customers will eventually pay.
Money / SATIREMarkets Shocked to Discover Brazilian Voters Were Not Consulting Their Portfolio
Analysts investigate how an election was allowed to proceed without first checking what would be reassuring for a fund manager.
Money / SATIREWall Street Demands Proof AI Makes Money; Big Tech Sends Bigger Arrow
Investors ask for cash flow. The presentation team responds with a gradient visible from space.
Britain / SATIREManchester United Advertise for Manager With Own Miracle
Applicants must deliver a five-year rebuild by Saturday. Previous experience of resurrection preferred.
Technology / SATIREAI Finally Turns a Profit After Selling AI to Another AI Company
The breakthrough comes as suppliers discover the one customer still excited about buying more AI: another supplier.
Culture / SATIRELuxury Brands Ask Customers to Stop Being Poor in Front of the Handbags
Fashion houses fear visible budgeting is damaging the atmosphere of effortless wealth.
Culture / SATIREParis boutiques launch plywood collection, prices available on request
Protective boarding becomes an exclusive capsule range. Customers must demonstrate a longstanding relationship with timber.
Technology / SATIREBritain’s AI safety plan asks superintelligence to tick “I am not a robot”
Machine clears first security hurdle, then patiently identifies six bicycles for a man who has forgotten his password.
Britain / SATIREBritish railways shocked to discover weather happens outside
Emergency review considers putting Britain indoors. Replacement buses ask whether they can work from home.
Britain / SATIREBritons told to keep emergency cash, with 40% set aside for HMRC
Civilisation may collapse, but somebody still needs the correct payment reference.
Technology / SATIREGovernment publishes framework to ensure AI confidently finds correct framework
The machine has located the answer. Officials would now like to establish which version.
Money / SATIREPay rise celebrated with purchase of identical shopping basket
Worker briefly mistakes keeping up for getting ahead.
Money / SATIREEmployer offers competitive salary, declines to name the competition
Applicants invited to imagine an amount and then lower it slightly.
Britain / SATIRERural broadband arrives early, residents unsure how to process completed project
Emergency consultation launched into whether something else must now be delayed.
Technology / SATIREVillage gets fast broadband, loses final excuse for missing video calls
Local professionals describe infrastructure upgrade as devastating.
Britain / SATIREMan sends complaint by post to avoid receiving an instant non-answer
He looks forward to a more traditional period of being ignored.
Britain / SATIRESecond-class letter reassured it is still someone’s first priority
Envelope expected to complete emotional journey before geographical one.
Money / SATIRERestaurant begins charging corkage on customer’s optimism
The evening remains affordable provided nobody orders anything.
Money / SATIREOffice thermostat placed under armed financial supervision
Turning heating up one degree now requires the finance director’s signature.
Technology / SATIREAI founder changes “app” to “sovereign infrastructure”, adds three zeroes to pitch
A calendar reminder acquires a national mission and a suitably enlarged valuation.
Technology / SATIREStartup promises to disrupt procurement, asks procurement where to begin
Application for permission to simplify the application process is nearly complete.
Britain / SATIREFarm robot mistakes productive field for missed property opportunity
Machine taught British economics immediately recommends twenty executive homes.
Technology / SATIRERobot’s first day in British office spent completing mandatory training
Machine expected to become productive shortly after the dignity-at-work module.
Technology / SATIRECompany’s AI risk plan begins by asking AI to write the risk plan
Board reassured after machine rates itself “broadly manageable”.
Technology / SATIREBritain prepares for autonomous AI by giving it a steering committee
System achieves self-awareness, immediately asks who owns the action points.
Technology / SATIRESpreadsheet granted strategic market status after entire company forgets who built it
The workbook is now considered both critical infrastructure and a frightened animal.
Technology / SATIREOffice given choice of software it must use to request different software
The consultation has been opened in the programme everyone wants to leave.
Money / SATIRESupermarket meal deal now requires a brief discussion with your financial adviser
Choosing the premium sandwich will be treated as a major life event.
Money / SATIREInflation basket now contains one item shopper actually wanted
The other purchases are substitutes, concessions and a suspiciously small bag.
Money / SATIREMan mistakes unchanged interest rate for unchanged mortgage quote
His broker has gently explained that these are entirely different species of number.
Money / SATIREBank of England holds rates, nation holds breath until November
Britain’s most expensive cliffhanger has been renewed for another episode.
Life / SATIREPetrol pump asks motorist whether he would like to round up to despair
The receipt can now be folded into a small statement of regret.
Life / SATIREHigh street coat asks weather to consider its quarterly targets
Autumn stock has been hanging around looking overdressed.
Life / SATIREConsumer confidence replaced by consumer shrug
Economists detect a nation still shopping, but with an expression.
Travel / SATIREReplacement bus service requests replacement sense of purpose
Passengers will reach their destination by travelling through several personal stages.
Travel / SATIREFrozen rail fare preserves passenger’s original shock
The price has stopped rising, allowing commuters to study it properly.
Travel / SATIRERail passenger completes advanced degree in ticket selection
His thesis distinguishes off-peak from the period in which he wishes to travel.
Travel / SATIREAirport passenger pays extra to board first and sit still for longer
Premium queueing delivers a full additional twenty minutes inside the aircraft.
Travel / SATIRE£42 flight successfully converted into £386 weekend
The fare remained cheap throughout the transaction, an accountant confirms.
Travel / SATIRESeptember holidaymakers announce they have discovered September
The month is reportedly cheaper after everyone else has left.
Life / SATIREWeather app offers premium forecast that agrees with your plans
Rain can be moved to a day when you are already miserable.
Life / SATIREMan who said “we need a proper summer” unavailable for comment
His electric fan has requested a less demanding owner.
Life / SATIREBritain demands refund on coats after September refuses to become autumn
The public has already committed emotionally to soup.
Life / SATIREBlanket upgraded from soft furnishing to infrastructure
The sofa is now a warm hub with parking restrictions.
Life / SATIREKettle becomes household’s most carefully scheduled appointment
Tea is still spontaneous, provided forty-eight hours notice is given.
Life / SATIREHousehold appoints thermostat finance director
Any increase above seventeen degrees will require a business case.
Life / SATIREBritain buys emergency biscuits to prepare for biscuit inflation
The contingency tin is already being used for routine incidents.
Life / SATIREFish counter introduces mortgage adviser
The catch of the day is a five-year fixed rate.
Life / SATIREPremium supermarket range now sold with a short explanation of your success
The packaging reassures shoppers that the same lentils would disappoint them elsewhere.
Life / SATIREMan spends £18 on petrol to save £2 at cheaper supermarket
The spreadsheet has been declared a protected emotional asset.
Life / SATIRESupermarket loyalty card now requires an actual declaration of loyalty
Customers must defend their chosen shop at dinner parties.
Life / SATIREHouse viewing requires proof of funds and convincing impression of happiness
Buyers must demonstrate they can describe a damp wall as character.
Life / SATIRELandlord lists emotional baggage as second bedroom
The room has excellent potential for somebody who can sleep standing up.
Life / SATIRELondon flat comes with exclusive access to the idea of a garden
The outdoor space is available to imagine between six and nine on weekdays.
Culture / SATIREFestival ticket buyer spends longer arranging films than watching them
His cultural calendar is flawless. His actual attendance remains provisional.
Culture / SATIRENostalgia concert reassures audience it had excellent taste all along
An evening of familiar songs provides a flattering review of several decades of personal decisions.
Culture / SATIRETheatre fan pays for exclusive glimpse behind scenes, discovers another ticket desk
Access to the people who explain access is available in the premium package.
Culture / SATIREConcert audience requests recording of evening spent recording concert
A complete account exists, provided nobody expects to hear the orchestra.
Culture / SATIREClassical concert reveals advertising soundtrack has unexpectedly long introduction
A familiar theme survives several minutes without somebody offering finance.
Culture / SATIREAwards viewer objects to judges’ taste using album he has not heard
His detailed criticism is based on the confidence of the headline.
Society / SATIREBritish music lover listens to complete album, requests certificate
The achievement included three tracks without a recognisable chorus.
Culture / SATIREMusic fan waits for prize result before confirming he always preferred the winner
Independent taste will be announced following the judges’ decision.
Society / SATIREFestival tote bag returns home carrying entirely different personality
Its owner was briefly a person who attends discussions about the future.
Culture / SATIREMan attends author talk to discover whether his own question might be a book
Festival staff have requested a synopsis before returning the microphone.
Culture / SATIRELiterature festival visitor queues an hour to have unread book made harder to give away
A personal inscription has transformed a possession into a lifelong obligation.
Culture / SATIRELiterary judge refuses to shortlist email because ending is too neat
“Kind regards” offers a closure the modern condition cannot honestly support.
Society / SATIREBook club introduces award for member who has actually read the book
Early favourite disqualified after referring to the author as the main character.
Culture / SATIREInvite-only event invites guests to appreciate how exclusive not being invited feels
The queue has been divided into important people and people dressed as important people.
Culture / SATIREFashion guest spends more time selecting arrival outfit than attending show
The collection is believed to have happened somewhere behind the photographs.
Culture / SATIREFashion Week restores individuality with collection everyone must now wear
The industry’s latest expression of freedom comes with remarkably precise instructions.
Culture / SATIRECollector buys artwork after dealer confirms nobody else quite understands it
The uncertainty will be insured separately.
Culture / SATIRELondoner pays to visit art he cannot afford, calls it refreshing break from property websites
Both experiences involve white rooms and somebody refusing to discuss the price.
Culture / SATIREArt fair visitor praises radiator before discovering it heats the room
Staff say this is the first useful interpretation they have heard all week.
Culture / SATIREAudience question at film festival granted its own three-part distribution deal
The director is expected to answer when the sequel reaches cinemas.
Culture / SATIREMan applauds film credits to confirm he understood the ending
His hands are confident. His explanation is still in development.
Culture / SATIRELondon film premiere spends entire budget on people explaining why cinema matters
The film itself will be released once someone has found a projector.
Britain / SATIREBritain invites EU to join UK
Brussels offered associate status, a blue passport and the opportunity to apologise for the weather.