Britain / SATIREOxford Street Bans Traffic After Cars Fail to Buy Anything
Retailers welcome the removal of vehicles that had spent decades occupying valuable space without once purchasing a scented candle.
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29 STORIESBritain / SATIREBritain / SATIREAldi and Lidl Officially Big Enough to Be Blamed for Everything
The discounters have reached the British corporate milestone of no longer being plucky.
Britain / SATIREGovernment Hires Big Four to Find Out Why It Keeps Hiring Big Four
The review will establish whether Britain can afford a second phase of the review.
Britain / SATIRELand Registry Paywall Could Remain Until Britain Finds Out Who Owns the Paywall
Plans to make land ownership records free have met resistance from people who own land, records and possibly the process itself.
Britain / SATIREBritain and EU Seek Compromise That Lets Everyone Call It a Victory
Negotiators are working on a deal whose most important feature is that neither side has to admit it wanted one.
Life / SATIRECocktail Advent Calendar Lets Britain Begin Christmas With a Small Daily Drinking Obligation
Festive discipline finally meets a target the nation feels equipped to deliver.
Culture / SATIREBritain Builds David Attenborough Out of 11,000 Pumpkins, Briefly Giving Agriculture a Clear Objective
For once, everyone involved knows exactly what the orange bits are for.
Britain / SATIREClimate Change Finally Threatens Something Britain Takes Seriously: Conkers
Emergency committee asks whether the country has considered putting the planet in the airing cupboard.
Britain / SATIREBritish High Street Now Offers Everything You Need to Get a Haircut While Waiting for Your Other Haircut
Council celebrates a thriving ecosystem of fades, fries and flavoured vapour.
Britain / SATIREBritain Successfully Digitises Parking, Turning a £2 Errand Into a Software Installation
Motorist completes registration just in time to pay for the next hour.
Britain / SATIREGiant Inflatable Pumpkin Escapes, Becomes First Halloween Decoration to Leave Before Christmas
Residents praise a seasonal ornament with a clearer exit strategy than the neighbours’ skeleton.
Britain / SATIRECow Evades Police After Refusing to Accept Fence Was a Binding Agreement
The suspect maintains that the grass formed a continuous landscape and the paperwork came later.
Britain / SATIREBritain Faces Pumpkin Shortage, Urged to Carve Terrifying Faces Into Existing Problems
Households reassured that the country still has ample material capable of frightening a neighbour.
Britain / SATIREManchester United Advertise for Manager With Own Miracle
Applicants must deliver a five-year rebuild by Saturday. Previous experience of resurrection preferred.
Technology / SATIREBritain’s AI safety plan asks superintelligence to tick “I am not a robot”
Machine clears first security hurdle, then patiently identifies six bicycles for a man who has forgotten his password.
Britain / SATIREBritish railways shocked to discover weather happens outside
Emergency review considers putting Britain indoors. Replacement buses ask whether they can work from home.
Britain / SATIREBritons told to keep emergency cash, with 40% set aside for HMRC
Civilisation may collapse, but somebody still needs the correct payment reference.
Britain / SATIRERural broadband arrives early, residents unsure how to process completed project
Emergency consultation launched into whether something else must now be delayed.
Britain / SATIREMan sends complaint by post to avoid receiving an instant non-answer
He looks forward to a more traditional period of being ignored.
Britain / SATIRESecond-class letter reassured it is still someone’s first priority
Envelope expected to complete emotional journey before geographical one.
Technology / SATIREAI founder changes “app” to “sovereign infrastructure”, adds three zeroes to pitch
A calendar reminder acquires a national mission and a suitably enlarged valuation.
Britain / SATIREFarm robot mistakes productive field for missed property opportunity
Machine taught British economics immediately recommends twenty executive homes.
Technology / SATIREBritain prepares for autonomous AI by giving it a steering committee
System achieves self-awareness, immediately asks who owns the action points.
Money / SATIREInflation basket now contains one item shopper actually wanted
The other purchases are substitutes, concessions and a suspiciously small bag.
Money / SATIREBank of England holds rates, nation holds breath until November
Britain’s most expensive cliffhanger has been renewed for another episode.
Life / SATIREMan who said “we need a proper summer” unavailable for comment
His electric fan has requested a less demanding owner.
Life / SATIREBritain demands refund on coats after September refuses to become autumn
The public has already committed emotionally to soup.
Life / SATIREBritain buys emergency biscuits to prepare for biscuit inflation
The contingency tin is already being used for routine incidents.
Britain / SATIREBritain invites EU to join UK
Brussels offered associate status, a blue passport and the opportunity to apologise for the weather.