Oxford Street has entered a bold new era after the entirely fictional Institute for Retail Momentum concluded that cars had been taking up space for decades without buying so much as a scented candle.
With traffic removed from a stretch of the street, the capital can finally offer what retail consultants have long demanded: an uninterrupted journey from the Elizabeth line to an email beginning “We noticed a change in your spending”.
At the fictional Institute for Retail Momentum, researchers welcomed the disappearance of pedestrian crossings. Their modelling found that waiting for a green man had allowed thousands of people to remember they already owned a coat. The old layout, they concluded, had accidentally incorporated a cooling-off period.
“We want a place where people can breathe,” said an invented retail strategist, before clarifying that breathing would remain free provided it did not involve sitting in a café. “For too long, buses have obstructed the natural flow of disposable income.”
The improved public realm will provide room for families to stop outside a department store and conduct the traditional British argument about whether they have come all this way merely to look. Previously this ceremony had to be squeezed between a bollard and an approaching suitcase.
A fictional department store has already adapted its customer journey. Visitors will move through Fragrance, Aspirational Knitwear and Quiet Panic before reaching a payment terminal that asks whether they would like to spread the consequences.
One shopper said she appreciated being able to see the architecture. She had never noticed the upper floors before, having spent twenty years looking for the bus that would take her away from the ground floor.
The street’s new openness has also created an unexpected difficulty for retailers: customers can now cross directly to a cheaper shop. Consultants are investigating whether tasteful planters might encourage a more premium route.
By lunchtime, the first pedestrian had walked the entire stretch without buying anything. Security staff described the incident as a peaceful demonstration.
