An entirely fictional schoolwear supplier has welcomed limits on compulsory branded uniform, confirming that three items provide ample opportunity to make a parent sit down before looking at the total.
Its new collection consists of a blazer, a jumper and a tie, each priced to convey the school’s commitment to aspiration. The aspiration belongs mainly to the person selling the blazer.
Parents initially celebrated being allowed to buy ordinary trousers. The supplier responded by unveiling a blazer with the financial responsibility of an entire previous wardrobe. Its crest is embroidered using a technique understood only by specialist machines and the finance department.
A fictional prospectus explains that uniform creates equality by ensuring all pupils look the same, regardless of which household appliance their parents postponed replacing. The tie is described as essential preparation for professional life, particularly learning to accept inexplicable procurement decisions.
One imaginary parent asked whether an unbranded jumper would teach the same mathematics. Staff confirmed it might, but could not guarantee the mathematics would reflect the ethos. A second-hand scheme has therefore become the school’s most competitive admissions process.
The supplier denied exploiting a captive market. Children were perfectly free to attend another school, move house or develop a completely different educational trajectory. Customer choice, it insisted, had never been healthier.
