This is satire. Events, dialogue and quotations in this article are invented for comic effect. It is not a factual news report.

Britain and the European Union are discussing ways to resolve concerns over proposed “Made in Europe” rules, opening the possibility of closer cooperation without anyone having to say “we were wrong”.

Officials are exploring an arrangement under which British manufacturers could qualify as trusted partners, provided the UK aligns with certain EU trade measures. Westminster welcomed the idea as proof Britain can influence Europe from outside the room, provided it first agrees to the room’s rules.

A fictional spokesperson said the talks focused on jobs, investment and the national interest. Asked whether the arrangement resembled the relationship Britain had before Brexit, the spokesperson said comparisons were unhelpful and would be handled by a separate department.

Both sides say the discussions are constructive. A joint statement is expected to confirm that progress has been made, difficult issues remain, and the parties will meet again to discuss what progress means.