A fictional emergency committee has reassured Britain that a shortage of pumpkins need not prevent the traditional autumn display of looking alarmed on the doorstep.
Households have been advised to select any existing concern, place it beside a candle and allow its implications to become apparent after dark. Suggested materials include a mortgage renewal, an unexplained dashboard light and a letter addressed to The Occupier.
One resident said she had intended to carve a face expressing existential dread. On reviewing her bank statement, she realised the design work had already been completed.
Retailers are preparing a premium micro-pumpkin, described as an intimate seasonal experience. Its smaller surface area creates a more exclusive relationship between the customer and the disappointment.
The committee rejected accusations that Britain was losing its Halloween spirit. Officials pointed out that many adults already spend the year opening email attachments with the apprehension once reserved for a noise in the attic.
A replacement scheme will permit neighbours to gather around a single communal pumpkin and explain how much larger pumpkins used to be. Admission is free, although somebody will insist on organising a residents' group.
The shortage is expected to ease after Halloween, when the remaining stock becomes available at prices that finally make vegetables frightening for the correct reason.
