This is satire. Events, dialogue and quotations in this article are invented for comic effect. It is not a factual news report.

The government consulted 137 businesses while developing its AI datacentre policy, according to a report that found no environmental organisations were consulted and only two community groups. Officials called this a triumph of stakeholder engagement, noting that the stakeholders most likely to object had not technically become stakeholders.

“We listened carefully to industry,” said a fictional spokesperson. “We needed to understand what datacentres require: land, power, water and a planning system that regards questions as negativity.”

Residents concerned about electricity demand and disappearing green fields may submit comments once construction is complete. A pilot consultation form asks whether they would prefer their new datacentre to be visible from the kitchen or the upstairs bathroom.

Ministers promise jobs, clean power and responsible water use. Details will appear in a 900-page document hosted on a server whose cooling system has not yet been approved. “We are not choosing companies over communities,” the spokesperson added. “We are simply consulting the companies first, because they have better lawyers and reply within the deadline.”