At the entirely fictional Maison Vellure, luxury executives have asked customers to stop being visibly poor near the handbags, warning that mental arithmetic is incompatible with the atmosphere of effortless wealth.
Following reports of falling valuations and softer Chinese demand, the entirely fictional Maison Vellure held an emergency meeting to establish why shoppers had stopped expressing their personality through a small leather rectangle.
“Our customer has not disappeared,” its invented chief executive explained. “She is simply spending a prolonged period outside the boutique.” The board agreed to classify this as an extended anticipation phase.
For years, the house had taught clients that price reflected heritage, scarcity and the delicate hand-finishing of a story about heritage and scarcity. Unfortunately, some clients had begun conducting their own research and discovered that their existing bag still opened.
The marketing department proposed restoring excitement with a campaign celebrating timelessness. This would replace last season’s campaign explaining why everything bought before March was embarrassing.
An entry-level product is also being considered. Known internally as The Gesture, it consists of an empty presentation box containing a handwritten invitation to develop a deeper relationship with the brand. The tissue paper will be sold separately to preserve the integrity of the experience.
Discounting was briefly discussed, then removed from the minutes. A director suggested “a private adjustment of the relationship between value and access”, which everyone recognised as a sale and therefore approved.
At the flagship store, an assistant spent forty minutes explaining the provenance of a clasp to a woman who had asked where the exit was. The exchange was recorded as evidence that customers still seek meaningful engagement.
Investors have requested a clearer growth strategy. Maison Vellure has promised to concentrate on its most resilient clientele: people whose accountants know how much they earn but whose spouses do not know how much the bag costs.
The house remains confident that demand will recover. Until then, it is asking customers to respect its heritage by remembering a happier period when they could afford it.
