A fictional office sports committee has ruled that a fast-running robot cannot participate until it develops a suitably complicated relationship with exercise.
Human entrants must negotiate tight calves, a late train, the wrong lunch and a vague memory of doing something to a knee in 2014. The robot currently approaches the starting line and runs, giving it what organisers consider an unfair cultural advantage.
Its manufacturer was invited to install a pre-race module announcing that it used to be much faster at university. A second update will require it to start explaining its result before the result exists.
The robot's cooling system also faces scrutiny. Human colleagues have argued that standing near the refreshments complaining about the heat is an integral part of the event, not a technical problem to solve.
A compromise would allow the machine to enter the relay, provided it first spends three weeks failing to agree a training time with the other team members.
Management welcomed the dispute as proof that technology was becoming more human. The committee has already scheduled a meeting to discuss eligibility and another to establish who has the minutes.
The robot has calculated that both meetings can be avoided by running away. It is expected to break another record.
